suchmiracles | IC; Deerington Inbox

[ Kurt leaves this message on read for a couple of days, partly because he doesn't know how to respond and partly because the whole month has just been So Much that he's still dealing with the personal fallout. When he does reply, it's late enough at night to suggest that it's been troubling him. ]

I could say likewise. I'm sorry for how I acted as well. [ It's something of an understatement. ]

they may prove more difficult to destroy than you think. let me know if you need any help.

[ There's a pause of half a minute or so, enough to make the following a separate message: ]

do you know if Fern is OK?

[ Cowardly, he hasn't tried to track down his friend, nor has he heard from him. Not that he expects to. ]

[Varian honestly wasn't expecting a response from anyone at all. No one owed him their forgiveness. He did what he did and he has to live with that, simple as.]

I guess this town really did a number of everyone, huh.

Thank you, I will. I don't want to risk you getting hurt by them, though. It's not worth that.

He's... I don't think he's 'fine', I don't think anyone is. But he's alive. Back together. He'd probably appreciate it if you talked to him.

[Because of, you know, Fern's crippling abandonment issues and everything. ]

[ There's a little pause between messages, ten minutes or so, while Kurt figures out what to say. ]

for what it's worth Varian, I don't blame you. we were clearly all under some kind of influence. and the town putting Sentinel components in your path seems to be more of the same.

I've never come across them before. In my right mind, I wouldn't have USED them on anyone. Took them apart to understand them, yeah, but not used them. That's something the person I used to be would have done.

...Which I guess was kind of the whole point. Lesson learned about picking stuff up in the junkyard, I guess.

they were created in my world by a man named Bolivar Trask. they are a product of fear and hatred, intended to hunt down and destroy mutants to stop us becoming a threat to humanity. though their creator also regretted his actions and sacrificed his life to try to stop them.

too late, unfortunately.

[That's not familiar at all, nope. No sir. He sure didn't try to create a memory erasure compound which happened to be extremely explosive and then he tried to sacrifice his own life to stop it being dropped on an entire city of innocent people by the nutjobs he made it for. Nope. ]

That's really awful. I'm sorry that people are small-minded enough that they'd attack other people like that. Guess the future isn't advanced in some ways, huh. They still lash out at anything or anyone they don't understand.

Because god forbid anyone try to educate themselves.

fear takes us all in different ways

it's easy to latch on to something you think is going to give you answers or help you, no matter what it is.

Even if it's at the expense of other people.

["It's just as likely that the ember shatters Rapunzel." He remembers saying that. Like she meant nothing. Just a stepping stone. What if it had killed her? ]

I tried to kill one of my closest friends once. Because I thought it would save my dad's life. Complicated magical reasons but it didn't work anyway. I guess I can understand the desperation. When you're backed into a corner.

Doesn't make any of it right though.

[ Thankfully, Kurt has some experience with these kinds of confessions. So many of his friends and his family have ended up in similar situations -- or worse. The life of a superhero rarely runs smooth. ]

it feels strange to say it given my previous career choices as a priest, but the concepts of right and wrong are rarely so well defined Varian
it would be a wondrous world indeed it was as easy as saying "this is right" and "this is wrong", and if that could always be correct. for a long time I thought it could be, but these days I'm not so sure it's that easy.
choices we make in one moment, intending to be good, might one day be revealed to be harmful. people we think we should hate may turn out to be those who need our kindness most. and sometimes the mistakes we make become the path that leads to our salvation.

I'm sure in that moment it felt right. and it might have been right in some eyes if you had managed to save your father. you feel remorse for your actions and that matters as well.

sorry, I'm rambling - the heat is making my brain fuzzy 😉

Edited 2020-07-26 18:55 (UTC)

[Boy, does Varian feel like that. Before everything went to hell in a handbasket for him- before the amber, before the snowstorm- back when he was just trying to make a mark on the world for the better, he thought they WERE well defined. Good and evil, right and wrong, they all had hard, solid edges that you never crossed.

Then he stepped OVER that line. He knew he was doing wrong, but he did it anyway. Just dug in deep and lashed out at the people he felt betrayed him. It was only until later, once he'd got some distance, that he could look back and realise the lines that were once so clear are now blurred forever. It's a lot harder to know which side he's standing on, these days. He misses when it was simpler. ]

At the time I knew I was doing wrong. I... did a lot worse than trying to kill my friend. Like. High Treason worse. I was stopped and I spent a year in the dungeons until I got out. But while I was there I... kinda realised I couldn't those lines between right and wrong any more.

I try to be better and make up for what I've done but honestly, I don't know if it can be fixed or if I'm really doing any good at all. I'm just hoping to break even at some point.

[He sure couldn't make any difference to Cassandra. ]

I don't blame you, it's gotta be really not fun with all the fur, huh?

I think that you'd be surprised at how many others here are on the same path

[ A decent part of Kurt's own small family for a start. ]

if you're trying to do good things and trying to help people, that matters

we can't go back and fix the past (usually) (and it's most often a bad idea to try anyway, I know that first hand, unfortunately) but we can keep moving forward and working to find that forgiveness in ourselves
it's not easy though
I don't know if I could have realised these things at your age

Time travel is a generally bad idea, yeah.

[Look, Rapunzel time travelled because there's bullshit magic in his world that does that, because of course, it does. It sounded stupidly reckless, even for her. ]

Lucky me. I guess I started messing everything up super young. I've been trying to fix things back home. Things were getting better, even here. But now everything feels like it's been pushed back to square one. I'm going going to stop trying, or trying to fix things or... anything like that.

It just takes the forgiving myself thing a lot harder.

[Because he's still that person, deep down. It's hard to fight your inner demons when they keep clawing back to the surface. ]

I'm glad to hear that
it's even more important to keep trying here, when everything is against us

even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the people you care about
that we both care about

Edited 2020-07-28 17:08 (UTC)

I know. I'm an old pro at that by this point at least. Trying.

Does it really work that way? Forgiving yourself for the sake of other people? Genuine question. I'm not - I don't really know how to.

[Though he knows exactly who Kurt means here, he just doesn't know the first stepping stones to take. Back home, he's been working so hard on fixing his old mistakes, he's not really had a chance to focus on fixing himself yet. ]

it can be difficult, sometimes it's the most difficult thing you can do.
but if you truly want to change, you need to accept what you've done
blaming yourself only causes more pain, making it less likely that you'll learn from what happened

[Give him a moment to mull this over. He'd like to think he learned plenty- the year in the castle dungeon sure helped with that. Having the guards treat you like a feral animal for a year sure gets the point across. ]

I guess I've always felt that if I stop blaming myself it makes what I did okay somehow. Like I'm sloughing off the bad things I've done and the people I've hurt like they don't matter. I never wanted to give myself a free ride on this. I deserve to be punished and hated for it.

Even if the people back home don't seem to think so any more.

[Which has always been part of the problem. Corona is so quick to forgive - he had to save them from the Red Rocks to be sure, but they've still forgiven him. Rapunzel forgave him in a heartbeat, welcomed him back with open arms like nothing had changed at all, like he hadn't tried to destroy her and everything and everyone she held dear. People who do bad things should be made to feel bad, he sure hates himself plenty. But no one else does any more and he's not sure what to do with that.]

[ It's a familiar story for Kurt. He's heard similar sentiments from many people, mutant and human alike. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when it has to be directed inwards. He thinks of Logan's struggles and wonders if the older man would be able to give more useful advice. ]

I can understand the urge to punish yourself Varian, but it's important to make sure you're not just indulging in pain for the sake of pain

I'm sure the people back home, as well as the ones here, want you to learn from what you've done, as well as repent for it

[Varian would take anything at this point. He was feeling... adrift long before he came to Deerington and his experiences here have only exacerbated the issue. ]

I guess it's just hard knowing where the line is. Between forgiving yourself and learning not to make the same mistakes again. It gets blurry sometimes. I guess I'm not really ready to like myself all that much yet. Especially after everything that happened this month.

[Self-loathing is a real bitch. There's a reason he and Fern understand each other so well.]

[ Oh boy, Kurt can empathise with that. He feels not a small sense of irony in being the one to give Varian advice. Physician, heal thyself. ]

well, for now, try to believe in the people who like you for who you are, not what you've done
do you think that's something you can do for yourself?

[It's not the first time he's had such advice, and he guesses it's pretty sound as advice goes. Try for the people who care, the people who hurt when he does.]

I think so. I don't want to make any of them any more miserable than I already have.

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