suchmiracles | IC; Deerington Inbox

Time travel is a generally bad idea, yeah.

[Look, Rapunzel time travelled because there's bullshit magic in his world that does that, because of course, it does. It sounded stupidly reckless, even for her. ]

Lucky me. I guess I started messing everything up super young. I've been trying to fix things back home. Things were getting better, even here. But now everything feels like it's been pushed back to square one. I'm going going to stop trying, or trying to fix things or... anything like that.

It just takes the forgiving myself thing a lot harder.

[Because he's still that person, deep down. It's hard to fight your inner demons when they keep clawing back to the surface. ]

I'm glad to hear that
it's even more important to keep trying here, when everything is against us

even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the people you care about
that we both care about

Edited 2020-07-28 17:08 (UTC)

I know. I'm an old pro at that by this point at least. Trying.

Does it really work that way? Forgiving yourself for the sake of other people? Genuine question. I'm not - I don't really know how to.

[Though he knows exactly who Kurt means here, he just doesn't know the first stepping stones to take. Back home, he's been working so hard on fixing his old mistakes, he's not really had a chance to focus on fixing himself yet. ]

it can be difficult, sometimes it's the most difficult thing you can do.
but if you truly want to change, you need to accept what you've done
blaming yourself only causes more pain, making it less likely that you'll learn from what happened

[Give him a moment to mull this over. He'd like to think he learned plenty- the year in the castle dungeon sure helped with that. Having the guards treat you like a feral animal for a year sure gets the point across. ]

I guess I've always felt that if I stop blaming myself it makes what I did okay somehow. Like I'm sloughing off the bad things I've done and the people I've hurt like they don't matter. I never wanted to give myself a free ride on this. I deserve to be punished and hated for it.

Even if the people back home don't seem to think so any more.

[Which has always been part of the problem. Corona is so quick to forgive - he had to save them from the Red Rocks to be sure, but they've still forgiven him. Rapunzel forgave him in a heartbeat, welcomed him back with open arms like nothing had changed at all, like he hadn't tried to destroy her and everything and everyone she held dear. People who do bad things should be made to feel bad, he sure hates himself plenty. But no one else does any more and he's not sure what to do with that.]

[ It's a familiar story for Kurt. He's heard similar sentiments from many people, mutant and human alike. Forgiveness is difficult, especially when it has to be directed inwards. He thinks of Logan's struggles and wonders if the older man would be able to give more useful advice. ]

I can understand the urge to punish yourself Varian, but it's important to make sure you're not just indulging in pain for the sake of pain

I'm sure the people back home, as well as the ones here, want you to learn from what you've done, as well as repent for it

[Varian would take anything at this point. He was feeling... adrift long before he came to Deerington and his experiences here have only exacerbated the issue. ]

I guess it's just hard knowing where the line is. Between forgiving yourself and learning not to make the same mistakes again. It gets blurry sometimes. I guess I'm not really ready to like myself all that much yet. Especially after everything that happened this month.

[Self-loathing is a real bitch. There's a reason he and Fern understand each other so well.]

[ Oh boy, Kurt can empathise with that. He feels not a small sense of irony in being the one to give Varian advice. Physician, heal thyself. ]

well, for now, try to believe in the people who like you for who you are, not what you've done
do you think that's something you can do for yourself?

[It's not the first time he's had such advice, and he guesses it's pretty sound as advice goes. Try for the people who care, the people who hurt when he does.]

I think so. I don't want to make any of them any more miserable than I already have.

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