suchmiracles | IC; Deerington Inbox

[ Kurt nods and pats Varian's shoulder before heading to the counter. The diner is quiet and it doesn't take long to order. He comes back with two mugs of coffee in his hands.

Sliding one in front of Varian, he eases into the booth opposite the teeanger, his tail tucked neatly beside him along the seat. Reaching for the sugar, he raises his eyebrows at his companion. ]

So. There's something you want to talk about?

[Varian takes the cup, holding it between his hands, staring into it as if it hold all the answers to his problems. It doesn't. He's pretty sure answers don't exist at this point. ]

I... um, yeah. About Fern.

[It's difficult, trying to put into words what he's been buried for months. It was different with Usagi. She noticed and confronted him about it. This is something else entirely, actively bringing it up to someone. He hesitates, drumming his fingers on the coffee cup.]

Fern- Fern said once that you're dating more than one person here. Like...um- that's a thing. That you can have feelings for more than- than one person? Romantical feelings.

[Romantical feelings, he groans, actively wincing. Wow. He's a goddamn wordsmith.]

...That could have come out better.

[ Kurt knows better than to try to push Varian into anything; the last thing he wants is to see the kid upset. Instead, he stirs sugar into his coffee and listens, his eyebrows ticking further upward when he's given the reason for this particular conversation.

Romantical. Kurt tries to hide his smile behind his mug and keep from prickling Varian's pride. Adorable. ]

Ja, that's true. It's possible. I have had.. romantical.. feelings for many people. I still have those feelings for lots of them. Love isn't a finite resource, Varian. It always renews itself.

[He needs the earth to open up and swallowing him whole. That's got to be easier than his awkward, teenage existence right now. It can spit him out again when he's 20 and he won't have to deal with any more adolescence. That would be swell.

Of course, the earth doesn't do that, and he's just going to have to navigate the choppy waters of teenage emotions through to the end. He nods, accepting the answer, but knowing he has more questions because of it.]

How? I- I mean, how do you do it? Doesn't it feel like you're being pulled in different directions all the time? [Because that's how he feels. ] How do you even deal with that?

[Because this is messy and complicated and Varian, scientist that he is, likes things to be in neat, orderly, explainable boxes and his feelings for Fern and Ruby keep breaking out of those boxes and tangling all on the floor. ]

[ It's good for Varian that Kurt's had plenty of experience with awkward teenagers. He studies Varian for a moment, then gives a small shrug, not dismissing the questions, but indicating his own acceptance of the situation. ]

You have to come to terms with your feelings. Don't fight them. Loving someone in one way doesn't mean that you can't, or shouldn't, love anyone else. Each person will bring different things to your life, different experiences, different ways of looking at things. Different ways of feeling love, and of feeling loved in turn. [ He smiles fondly to himself as he looks down at his coffee, then glances up at Varian. ]

Do you feel as though they're pulling you in different directions? Or is that coming from within you?

[Varian will be endlessly glad for Kurt's experience, as he is with his patience here. Varian's well aware he's an emotional mess at the best of times and this... this is making all of that a thousand times worse. He finally takes a sip of his coffee (black, naturally) to try and displace some nervous energy.

He listens to what Kurt has to say, and it lines up a little with what Usagi was telling him. He's a two-fer now and he guesses that should probably... tell him something.]

Y-yeah, I guess that- I guess that makes sense. That's a really nice way of looking at it.

[He winces, hunching his shoulders.]

I don't know. They don't... they don't know about this, yet. How I feel. I-I mean, obviously Ruby knows how I feel about her, we've been dating for months, but everything else is messy. [That's putting it lightly.] They don't even like each other, whenever they're in a space together there's always some sort of fight or someone gets upset and I don't know what to do about that.

Edited 2020-09-19 16:13 (UTC)

Messy isn't necessarily bad, Varian. [ Kurt feels the need to make this point early. ] Messy happens. That's just life. You can't control people, even the people you love. It would be nice if things worked like that but.. they don't.

[ He lets out a breath, turning over the problem that Varian has presented him with. ]

When it comes to Fern and Ruby -- [ Because, yeah, no point pretending he doesn't know who this second person is. ] -- I think that.. part of it may be that they don't know how to feel about each other when you're between them. Ruby sees you with Fern, Fern sees you with Ruby. They're acting out because they're jealous, but can't talk about it.

[ He rubs his cheek, not sure how to phrase the next thing he wants to say. ]

I'm guessing that.. you want to talk about the idea of being with more than one person because you think that it would be a good way to resolve this, ja? Being with both of them at once?

...I guess. I just wish the mess didn't hurt at much as it does. I mean, hurt them a much.

[Because he really doesn't care if it hurts him. He can just add it to the list of things that feeds his festering self-worth issues. It's fine. ]

I never really thought about it like that. I mean- they didn't get along way before the whole... well, before feelings were involved. At least on my side- but I guess maybe it was already a thing, back then?

[It's not like he's great at picking up those cues. Both Ruby and Fern had to straight-up tell him they had feelings for him to catch on. He nods carefully, still a little unsure. ]

I mean... that- that would be ideal. I don't know. I bearly know how to deal with my emotions at the best of times. I don't know what the best thing to do for them is.

Varian --

[ He starts, but he's interrupted as their food arrives. The waitress gets a charming grin as she places scrambled eggs in front of them both. Kurt has toast and bacon with his. He waits until she's gone before he goes back to talking. ]

Varian, no matter what happens, they're going to have to have some sort of relationship with each other. Especially if you want to try to be with them both. You can't keep them separate; it's not fair on you, or on either of them.

But -- [ He leans in, reaching out to rest his hand near Varian's plate. ] -- that relationship isn't your responsibility. They deserve to make up their own minds about what they want and how they associate with each other. You can't force them to like each other.

I think you all need to talk to each other. Openly and honestly. I know it's going to be hard for you, and for Fern, but the only way that this sort of thing works is when you're all communicating. You have to trust and be honest with each other, at the very least. All of you. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[Varian's eyes drift over to here Kurt's hand rests, he doesn't move to meet it, but he does at least acknowledge it's there.]

Usagi said that, too. She uh- figured it out for herself.

[Which means it's likely other people will too. That Fern and Ruby will. As much as he feels it would be better to ignore all of this and go on feeling like trash- he knows it's not good for any of them. They need to be able to talk. ]

I understand. I guess I've just been afraid of hurting them... which I know, I know keeping it quiet is just gonna hurt them worse in the long run. It's just... I don't know. Being brave enough to take that first step forward. It's scary.

Ja, it is. [ Kurt tilts his head slightly, trying to catch Varian's gaze. ] But it's worth it. No matter what happens, it's better to be honest with the people you love -- and with yourself, and what you want.

But, Varian, you will also need to accept that Fern and Ruby might not.. want what you want. Or they may need some time to think.

[Varian would very much prefer to keep staring a hole into his untouched eggs, but eventually, Kurt's movement does make him raise his head to look at the man. He lets out a soft, shaky sigh.]

Yeah, I really don't want to lie to them and I'd rather keep hurting them down to a bare minimum. I've hurt enough people I love in the past to last me a lifetime, I don't want to do that if I can help it. Not to them.

[Because he hurt BOTH of them plenty in July when this awful, awful town dragged him right back to the person he used to be. The sort who definitely didn't care about who he hurt.]

I know that. I'm not gonna push anything on them or... or anything like that. I don't really know a whole lot about what I'm doing but I know that much.

Good.

[ Kurt's gaze is gentle and sympathetic; he can understand that confusion. ]

I'm glad you told me about this, Varian. I know we haven't gotten off to.. the best start, but I know you want to do the right thing. That will mean a lot in the long run.

Thank you for listening. And uh... talking about it. You give really good advice.

[Kurt gets a tiny ghost of a smile for his efforts. Varian's desperately trying to do the right thing. He's put so much bad into the world, he has to do better. Be better.]

Yeah. And I- I really am trying to look out for his best interests.

[You know, to circle to that partial conversation in the caves that started this. ]

I know it'd mean a lot to him to know you were looking out for him so much.

[ Kurt gladly returns that smile, pleased that he's been able to help. He picks up his fork. ]

Well, when you talk to him, you can mention you spoke to me. I don't like keeping secrets from him, I get the feeling he's suffered enough at the hands of people who wanted to use him. [ Kurt's tone becomes more serious as he speaks; this is a subject he feels strongly about, given how often it's touched the people he loves. ] He deserves a chance to make his own way in the world, and to find out who he is.

[ He pauses briefly over his breakfast, studying Varian for a moment. ]

I believe that's something you both have in common.

I will, I don't want to keep things from him, either.

[Aside from the whole Grass Demon thing but he's still trying to work out how to deal with that without the demon in Fern's head trying to kill him. Unless she knows for certain Fern won't get destroyed by the thing in his own head, he's planning on keeping that quiet.

He lets out a soft, sad little 'heh'. ]

I guess so. I keep telling him that a lot. That he's worth more than he thinks. I'm hoping one day it'll actually sink in.

[ Kurt lets that statement sit alone for a few beats, eyebrows raised as he eyes Varian. Certain expressions about pots and kettles occur to him. ]

And Ruby, you're looking out for her as well?

[ He doesn't know much about Varian's girlfriend besides her enthusiasm at softball practice, but he doesn't want anyone to get hurt, here. ]

[Varian is a giant hypocrite in most things, but at least he's aware of it. He clears his throat.]

Um- aside from... this. Obviously. Still... uh, working on this.

[And the Grass Demon thing. At his question about Ruby, Varian's gaze drops to the table.]

I really, really try to. Sometimes... well, a lot of the time I think she's too good of a person for me. [He realises how that sounded and quickly raises his hands, looking up.] N-not that I'm saying Fern isn't a good person or... anything. We've just... well, Fern and I have done some pretty horrible stuff in the past and we're trying to be better for it. We're on the same level.

[His gaze drops again.]

I'm a little afraid I'm dragging Ruby down. Especially after all that mess in July. She's got a lot of faith in people and I'm worried I just hurt her these days. I still try to look out for her all I can but she's seen the person I used to be now. I don't think I'm the person she thought I was.

[She wasn't afraid of him before, and learning that has left an ugly mark on his heart. He knows she doesn't want to feel that way, but she does and he doesn't know how to fix that. He doesn't know if it can be fixed, which is the most heartbreaking fact of all. ]

I still love her, and I want to do right by her. As much as I can.

[ All of this sounds very familiar to Kurt, and not just because he's helped counsel teenagers for years. He's been on both sides of that difficult conversation. It's strange, he muses, how things don't change. ]

That's a good instinct, Varian. But you have to trust her -- trust both of them -- to know what they want as well. Ruby is with you because she wants to be with you. If she chooses that again now, knowing what she knows, then that is her choice to make.

[He knows Kurt is right. And he knows he has to have faith in Ruby's choices. It would be dismissive of her if he didn't. The self-loathing monster at the back of his head makes that difficult sometimes, though. He finally picks up his fork- he's still just kind of...shoves his food around, but it's a step forward.]

...Yeah. I know. And I'm really glad she did, even if I don't understand it half the time, I trust that she does.

Good. [ Kurt offers the teenager a gentle smile and picks up his coffee. ]

I think that I'm on my way to forgiving you for throwing a sticky bomb at me.

[Aww, Kurt. That pulls a little smile out of him.]

Hah. Good. I'm glad for... uh. Glad for that anyway.

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