suchmiracles | IC; Deerington Inbox

[Varian's eyes drift over to here Kurt's hand rests, he doesn't move to meet it, but he does at least acknowledge it's there.]

Usagi said that, too. She uh- figured it out for herself.

[Which means it's likely other people will too. That Fern and Ruby will. As much as he feels it would be better to ignore all of this and go on feeling like trash- he knows it's not good for any of them. They need to be able to talk. ]

I understand. I guess I've just been afraid of hurting them... which I know, I know keeping it quiet is just gonna hurt them worse in the long run. It's just... I don't know. Being brave enough to take that first step forward. It's scary.

Ja, it is. [ Kurt tilts his head slightly, trying to catch Varian's gaze. ] But it's worth it. No matter what happens, it's better to be honest with the people you love -- and with yourself, and what you want.

But, Varian, you will also need to accept that Fern and Ruby might not.. want what you want. Or they may need some time to think.

[Varian would very much prefer to keep staring a hole into his untouched eggs, but eventually, Kurt's movement does make him raise his head to look at the man. He lets out a soft, shaky sigh.]

Yeah, I really don't want to lie to them and I'd rather keep hurting them down to a bare minimum. I've hurt enough people I love in the past to last me a lifetime, I don't want to do that if I can help it. Not to them.

[Because he hurt BOTH of them plenty in July when this awful, awful town dragged him right back to the person he used to be. The sort who definitely didn't care about who he hurt.]

I know that. I'm not gonna push anything on them or... or anything like that. I don't really know a whole lot about what I'm doing but I know that much.

Good.

[ Kurt's gaze is gentle and sympathetic; he can understand that confusion. ]

I'm glad you told me about this, Varian. I know we haven't gotten off to.. the best start, but I know you want to do the right thing. That will mean a lot in the long run.

Thank you for listening. And uh... talking about it. You give really good advice.

[Kurt gets a tiny ghost of a smile for his efforts. Varian's desperately trying to do the right thing. He's put so much bad into the world, he has to do better. Be better.]

Yeah. And I- I really am trying to look out for his best interests.

[You know, to circle to that partial conversation in the caves that started this. ]

I know it'd mean a lot to him to know you were looking out for him so much.

[ Kurt gladly returns that smile, pleased that he's been able to help. He picks up his fork. ]

Well, when you talk to him, you can mention you spoke to me. I don't like keeping secrets from him, I get the feeling he's suffered enough at the hands of people who wanted to use him. [ Kurt's tone becomes more serious as he speaks; this is a subject he feels strongly about, given how often it's touched the people he loves. ] He deserves a chance to make his own way in the world, and to find out who he is.

[ He pauses briefly over his breakfast, studying Varian for a moment. ]

I believe that's something you both have in common.

I will, I don't want to keep things from him, either.

[Aside from the whole Grass Demon thing but he's still trying to work out how to deal with that without the demon in Fern's head trying to kill him. Unless she knows for certain Fern won't get destroyed by the thing in his own head, he's planning on keeping that quiet.

He lets out a soft, sad little 'heh'. ]

I guess so. I keep telling him that a lot. That he's worth more than he thinks. I'm hoping one day it'll actually sink in.

[ Kurt lets that statement sit alone for a few beats, eyebrows raised as he eyes Varian. Certain expressions about pots and kettles occur to him. ]

And Ruby, you're looking out for her as well?

[ He doesn't know much about Varian's girlfriend besides her enthusiasm at softball practice, but he doesn't want anyone to get hurt, here. ]

[Varian is a giant hypocrite in most things, but at least he's aware of it. He clears his throat.]

Um- aside from... this. Obviously. Still... uh, working on this.

[And the Grass Demon thing. At his question about Ruby, Varian's gaze drops to the table.]

I really, really try to. Sometimes... well, a lot of the time I think she's too good of a person for me. [He realises how that sounded and quickly raises his hands, looking up.] N-not that I'm saying Fern isn't a good person or... anything. We've just... well, Fern and I have done some pretty horrible stuff in the past and we're trying to be better for it. We're on the same level.

[His gaze drops again.]

I'm a little afraid I'm dragging Ruby down. Especially after all that mess in July. She's got a lot of faith in people and I'm worried I just hurt her these days. I still try to look out for her all I can but she's seen the person I used to be now. I don't think I'm the person she thought I was.

[She wasn't afraid of him before, and learning that has left an ugly mark on his heart. He knows she doesn't want to feel that way, but she does and he doesn't know how to fix that. He doesn't know if it can be fixed, which is the most heartbreaking fact of all. ]

I still love her, and I want to do right by her. As much as I can.

[ All of this sounds very familiar to Kurt, and not just because he's helped counsel teenagers for years. He's been on both sides of that difficult conversation. It's strange, he muses, how things don't change. ]

That's a good instinct, Varian. But you have to trust her -- trust both of them -- to know what they want as well. Ruby is with you because she wants to be with you. If she chooses that again now, knowing what she knows, then that is her choice to make.

[He knows Kurt is right. And he knows he has to have faith in Ruby's choices. It would be dismissive of her if he didn't. The self-loathing monster at the back of his head makes that difficult sometimes, though. He finally picks up his fork- he's still just kind of...shoves his food around, but it's a step forward.]

...Yeah. I know. And I'm really glad she did, even if I don't understand it half the time, I trust that she does.

Good. [ Kurt offers the teenager a gentle smile and picks up his coffee. ]

I think that I'm on my way to forgiving you for throwing a sticky bomb at me.

[Aww, Kurt. That pulls a little smile out of him.]

Hah. Good. I'm glad for... uh. Glad for that anyway.

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